Dear Clare
by degrassibear
Summary: "I'm sorry…Clare's dead." Four words turned Eli's life into a nightmare.  Will he ever be able to be happy or will his love's sweet memories hold him forever...
1. Chapter 1

Hey everyone. I'm going to keep this short. It's a new story and please leave reviews or it stays a one shot? I love you all!

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**Eli's POV:**

"_I'm sorry…Clare's dead."_

"_N-No…"_

"_I'm sorry, she's gone."_

"_No. S-she can't be dead I-I just saw her. I was just with her…" My heart raced as my breath hitched. The doctor kept nodding and apologizing but it was too late. My mind was gone…_

"_Son Clare was-"_

"_I know what happened!" I screamed as tears began to fall. My love, my Clare, s-she was gone._

"_I was there." I whispered._

_The doctor's hand fell to my shoulder and my knees collapsed under the weight. My body couldn't take the ache as it spread through my chest. This was a night mare… it had to be…._

"_There was nothing we could do…we lost her at-"_

"_Don't!" I screamed. Everyone in the small room stared as my world collapsed. They watched as I slowly lost my twisted mind, "D-Don't say it…please…"_

_The doctor nodded, "I-I'm sorry son….we tried."_

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"Dear Clare" My fingers seemed to lock up after that. Clare always did have the ability to make me speechless. I could recall plenty of times we would just lay in perfect silence and take in each other's presents. She had a way of capturing me and putting me under her sweet spell. I used to love that, but now, now it was a curse.

I had spent a year typing the same two words "Dear Clare". My fingers had become familiar with my keyboard. I knew the touch and the sound as I pressed those six keys.

Clare wasn't just a girl to me. Clare was my everything. Her perfume was the sweet smell I woke up to. Her smile was my personal Mona Lisa. He laugh was the song that rung in my ears every moment of everyday. She was my everything…and she was gone.

"Dear Clare". The words stared at me as if challenging me to go on. Clare always told me I was wordy, but now…nothing.

I erased the document and closed my lap top. As I lay back on my bed my mind wondered. I remember the countless time we would cuddle and make love in this very spot. There were the sad times when you would cry in my arms and it was her heart that was aching. The thing was, I didn't care, because I could hold her. But now…now she's gone….

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"_You're perfect" I whispered softly into her ear as her head lay on my bare chest. My hand caressed the warm flesh of her back as our hearts beat in harmony. _

_Her wild curls shifted on my chest as she woke up with a smile on her face. She blushed as she took my lips with a soft kiss, "I love you." She smiled._

_My arms circled around her waist. I pulled her tired body closer to mine as our goofy smiles and blushes spoke for themselves. It was silent, but that was all we needed. We were in love. At this moment I knew I would always love this blue eyed beauty. _

_I kissed her nose, "I love you too."_

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I closed the door to my hearse and stretched my legs as my body regained feeling. The drive here was brutal, but it was worth it, it was always worth it…

I made my way up to tall latter and climbed into the tree house I built just last summer. This was the tree house I built for Clare.

She and I had been to this spot a million time together. She loved coming here even if it was far away. During the drive over Clare would nap with her soft head on my lap. God I missed that…

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"_I want my first time to be…special." Clare whispered as we sat in the clearing. _

_I rubbed her head which rested on her shoulder, "I promise you Clare, when you're ready, your first time will be special." _

"_How?" She asked. Clare always asked questions. She was never satisfied with things like 'I'm fine' or 'My mom said she liked you' Clare always wanted specifics. I loved that about her. _

_I smiled, "I will make it very special, trust me Edwards…"_

_Clare bit her bottom lip, "I do…."_

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The very sleeping bag Clare and I made love on was still in here. She loved it here. It was our place and it always would be.

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"_You did all of this for me!" Clare shrieked as she looked up at the tree house I had built for her._

_I smiled, "Do you like it?"_

_Clare giggled, "Do I like it! I love it!" Clare wrapped her arms around me and gave me a big kiss._

"_Come on, I want you to see the inside." I took her hand and brought her up with me. She smiled when she saw it was painted a light blue color with tons of photos of Clare and I, her friends, her sister, us with my parents. Everything was for Clare. _

_I raised an eyebrow, "Do you remember when you said you wanted it to be special…?"_

_Clare blushed, "Yes?" _

_I smiled, "W-Well when you're ready…I hope this is special for you?"_

_Clare's blush deepened, "Y-you want us to have sex here?"_

_I shook my head. I stepped closer to her so I could whisper in her ear from behind, "When you're ready and you want to…I want to make love to you here, in this place I built for just us."_

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A/N: Well….what do you guys think?


	2. Chapter 2

Hey Everyone! Guys I'm so sorry! I have been really busy lately with school. I love you all for reviewing me! I want you all to know I am always here though. I message with a few of you on here every day and I check my account at least three times a day for messages, so if you just want to talk, shoot me a message. Also, I'm on AIM and sometimes if I am working on a chapter I'll send you a little teaser from it. My AIM account is missblueyedclare be really careful about spelling because I only use one e for blueyed. Once again I am so sorry! Review please!

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Eli's POV:

With shaky fingers I sat down against the pillows I propped up behind the sleeping bag. Everything smelled like Clare. Sweet, light. I missed smelling her after she would come out of the shower. She always looked so happy and refreshed. It was beautiful. Clare was beautiful.

I reached over for the teddy bear that waited with what now looked like a sad expression on his face. Clare loved her teddy bear, ever since I won it for her at that carnival over a summer:

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_I couldn't help but notice Clare was staring at the soft brown teddy bear smashed between two large orange octopuses. It was just like Clare to not go for anything over the top but the one that looked like it needed something._

_I slipped my rough hand down her smooth arm. She felt like a queen and I a peasant. I was so lucky to call her mine though I didn't deserve someone as pure and good as Clare._

"_You want that teddy bear don't you?" I asked as I caught her glancing at it._

_She instantly ripped her eyes off of it. Clare never asked me to buy her anything. She always said she felt weird about it, so I did my best to pick up on the things she wanted so she wouldn't have to ask, "No, no it's cute but no…"_

_I chuckled and rolled my eyes, "I'll be right back."_

_I released her precious hand and went over to the multicolored booth. Clare called out my name and tried to stop me but her voice was just a beautiful murmur as far as I was concerned. _

_The teenager working the booth smiled at me, "Come on over I'll show you how to play!"_

"_I'd really just like to buy that bear from you? I'm no good at these games but my girlfriend really wants that bear." _

_The guy shook his head, "Sorry you have to play."_

_I scoffed when I looked at the bear, "Dude that thing can't be worth more than five bucks, I'll give you ten, enough for two games? Come on…"_

"_I can't." He said._

_I groaned, "How much do you want for it? Seriously, I'll pay you anything."_

_The guy looked around to see if anyone was watching before he whispered, "Fifty bucks and it's yours."_

"_Fifty! For that!" I exclaimed. Fifty bucks would completely wipe me out._

_He nodded, "Fifty bucks or you can go tell your little girlfriend you're a wimp."_

_I groaned as I pulled out the cash and shoved it at him, "There. Fifty bucks, fine."_

_He smiled wide and put the money in his pocket, dropping a five in the cash box, "Have a nice day."_

_I muttered, "Asshole." Before I took the bear over to Clare, only for her to jump on me and give me a passionate kiss, "Thank you!"_

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Clare never left this bear here. The last time we were here she was so late for her curfew we forgot to grab it. Part of me wants to take it home but another part of me feels it would take a piece of Clare away from this place…our place.

But the truth was a part of this room would always be Clare herself and she was gone. Clare brought such a life and beauty to anywhere she went, life without her just seemed…wrong.

I missed her laugh. The way she wriggled her nose if she smelled something funny. The way she'd blush when I gave her hickies. The way her muscles contracted at my touch. I missed Clare. My Clare.

Tears formed in my eyes and I decided not to resist them. My body shook as the feeling of emptiness settled in my stomach. I love Clare. Always do, always will but I never expected being alone to hurt this much…being without….without Clare.

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"Baby boy?" CeCe asked as she stepped into the room hesitantly. She always hesitated now…but I didn't blame her.

I looked up and I know she got a good glimpse of my red eyes because she flinched slightly, "Oh honey…." She walked to my bed and wrapped her arms around me. I buried my face in her neck and inhaled her motherly scent. She rubbed my head and whispered, "I miss her too baby boy. Clare was a part of her family…"

She always knew. Everyone always knew. It was always Clare.

My body just shook as the tears poured like a waterfall. Clare was dead and it was killing me.

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"_I love you." I whispered against her soft pink lips as we fell back against the sleeping bag. Clare's plump breasts bounced causing me to snuggle up closer to her beautiful naked form._

_Clare's cheeks were a deep pink that compliments her messy curls. She reached an arm around my waits so I could cup her cheek. We made love. For the first time we had made love._

_I'll never forget the feeling of her skin, the warmth of her body or the rapid beating in her chest as she curled against me and hid in my chest._

_Her body shook against me, "What's wrong?" I asked, comfortingly rubbing her back._

_Her angel face poked up and she smiled at me, "S-sorry…Eli?" Her voice rung out like an undiscovered symphony._

"_Yes my love?" I asked her as my fingers traced her heavenly face. _

_She blushed faintly before stopping my manly hands with her sweet dainty ones. Instead of pushing my hand away she cupped it to my face and her sweet voice rang out, "It was perfect." And she kissed me._

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A/N: Guys I know it was totally short! I want to do a few chapters of sweet memories, next chapter I think Eli will dream about their first time so I'll defiantly send some sex your way, but I think it's important to do a few more chapters of memories before Eli has to find a way to deal with his problems and either deal with them or….


	3. Chapter 3

Hey everyone! I know you guys all hate me for not updating very often. Please understand I've got a really hard course load this semester, but next semester and the third are nothing so please be patient. I love you all! Please review so I know whether or not to keep writing.

**Wanna know when and what I'm updating? Follow me on twitter : )**

**degrassibear**

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**Eli's POV:**

Clare's ceremony was today. We honored her life tonight. It was not a funeral but I felt like dying.

I was asked to speak. All of Clare's friends and 'loved ones' were asked to prepare a speech. It was a celebration therefore the speech needed to be celebratory and uplifting. Tell me what is uplifting about losing the girl I love more than anything? I'll tell you what-Nothing.

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"Baby boy is your speech ready….?" CeCe came into my room tennitivly. She had been shy on the Clare subject as always so I knew it was hard for her to ask me this.

I nodded, "It's a letter mom."

CeCe nodded, "A letter? For who…?" She asked as if it wasn't obvious.

I sighed softly and clutched the thin white paper in my hands. I had completely poured my heart out on this letter. Every word I had left to say to Clare, uplifting or not, I wrote it for her in my letter. My final love letter, for Clare.

"F-for Clare." I stuttered. I winced when I said her name. I missed her. I missed her smile, her gentle scent, the way whenever she was around me I just felt better. There were a lot of girls in this world but no one would ever replace Clare, not my Clare. She was perfect.

"Eli…Clare she-"

I cut her off. She was using her sympathetic tone but I did not want pity tonight.

I shook my head, "I know mom. Clare's dead. I still love her. I always will. Knowing she's dead won't change how I feel about her. It was you that told me love is an eternal flame of the heart, it never goes out until your heart takes its last beat."

CeCe smiled weakly. She knew the words I spoke were once hers and they were true. I could not just stop loving Clare. I will always love her. At least until my hear takes its last beat.

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Today was it. I took a last look at my ensemble. I was dressed in my very best black jeans and the dark green button up Clare bought me. It was an all black occasion, even if it was a celebration. Clare would have wanted me to wear this though, so screw it.

I fixed my black tie and sighed, "This is it." And really, this is it."

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The Church was huge. The stain glass windows and the dark pews gave off a creepy vibe. I felt disgusting being here, like I was being judged for every move I made.

"We all welcome you here today to celebrate the life of the much loved Clare Edwards. I've known Clare since she was a toddler in our program. I remember when I first met Clare she was three. She had red paint on her hand from making handprints and she ran up to me with a grin on her face and giggled, 'Your funny looking' she wrapped her arms around my leg and got two giant handprints on my nice pants. I'm sure we all have stories like this to share about Clare. This is a celebration, she would have wanted this. Clare was life. She had so much life and joy inside of her and she should be celebrated. To kick off the day we will hear from her mother, Helen" The pastor of Clare's Church spoke. I could see Clare doing something cute like that, it made my heart hurt for my crystal eyed lover.

Helen Edwards. The short haired serious women stood up and walked timidly to the stand. I was never a fan of Mrs. Edwards, she gave me a chill. Clare and her were never that close so I never got to know her. In a way I wish I did. I just wish I had that connection to Clare. I feel like a dog knowing I don't.

Helen took her place, smoothed her black dress, and cleared her throat, "Hello. Clare was my amazing daughter. As most of you know my other daughter, Darcy, took off for Africa a few years ago. I love my daughters very much and losing one was very hard. I remember the first night Darcy was gone Clare found me downstairs crying my eyes out. Clare sat with me and comforted me. We spent the whole night up together talking about Darcy. Clare was a good person. She was sweet. She cared for everyone with such loving passion it was beautiful. Clare….she was perfect." I finished Helen's thought as I whispered "She was an angel."

Helen smiled at me and nodded, knowing she had heard me. I smiled back and got up from my seat. As Helen stepped down I approached her and did something I never thought I would do, I hugged her. Just for a brief moment, it's as if Clare smiled at me because I felt complete. Helen and I let go and I returned to my seat. Clare was here, maybe just in spirit, Clare was with me today.

"Next speaking we will have Randal Edwards, Clare's father" Announced the Pastor.

Randal gave his sad smile. I noticed he has a problem with emotion, but it was clear he felt the remorse everyone felt for Clare, my Clare.

"Well….Clare was something. She had the ability to see the good in others like no one I have ever seen. You know Clare had a difficult time with Helen and I's divorce. It's a hard thing to watch your parents marriage end, I know from experience. I hate myself for hurting Clare like that but Clare was so good. She found out I was engaged not too long after the divorce and unlike every other teen that would have been angry and hated my fiancée, Clare welcomed her. We all had a family dinner; it was my last dinner with Clare. We broke the news and Clare smiled and wished us congratulations. Clare was good, one of the best. She will always be missed. Thank you."

As Randal departed the stage I saw tears perk in his eyes. He hurt, just like us all.

The pastor returned to the stage and smiled, "Sometimes words are hard. Everyone heals differently and that's okay. A few of Clare's friends have decided to do a song for her. It is their way to celebrate her, and we will welcome it."

The pastor stepped down and I watched as Jenna, Sav, Adam, and Drew took the stage. Adam was still going to speak but they needed a bass player so he agreed. When I found out Jenna was doing a song, I was angry. Jenna treated Clare like shit and she had no rights to pretend like she cared, but after a painful lunch with Jenna, she had my blessing, if I could do that.

Jenna smiled weakly as they took the stage, "Hi, my name is Jenna. Clare was one of the first people I met when I transferred to Degrassi. She welcomed me into her life and guess what….I stole her boyfriend. She was nothing but good to me and I was horrible to her. KC was her boyfriend and I took him from her. I guess if anything, I wish I could tell Clare I'm sorry. She really was good; she even let me come over when I was pregnant with KC's baby to go to the dance with her and Alli. She was good. So this is for her, for Clare."

Jenna and the band got ready. Adam was visibly in tears and remorse covered Sav's face. Drew did not know Clare too well, but she told me once about how they had a few good conversations when she would go see Adam.

"_Can't you see that i wanna be there with open arms  
>It's empty tonight and i'm all alone<br>Get me through this one_

_I noticed you're gone  
>Where do you run to so far away?<em>

_I want you to know that I miss you I miss you so  
>I want you to know that I miss you I miss you so<em>

_I'm writing again these letters to you aren't much, I know  
>But i'm not sleeping and you're not here<br>The thought stops my heart_

_I noticed your gone  
>Where do you run to so far away?<em>

_I want you to know that I miss you I miss you so [x4]_

_No more looking you've found home_

_I want you to know that I miss you I miss you so [x4]_

_You're gone away  
>You're gone away" <em>

_(Letters to You- By Finch, I added some changes though)_

As Jenna sang the familiar song people rose. I, being the first. Adam tried to suppress it, but his tears caught the best of him. I took notice of several of Clare's friends in deep tears. I wasn't. I never cried for an audience, but for Clare, I knew I couldn't keep it in.

Jenna's last note rang out and she whispered a thank you before they cleared the stage. Adam came down and I went over to him. He wrapped his arms around me like a scared child. I hugged him tightly, "I know."

Adam nodded against me and my eyes filled with tears. The pain was too much. Clare, she was too much, she was everything.

After a few speeches from kids in Jesus club, it was Alli's turn. Clare's best friend looked like she had been hit by a bus. I felt sad for her. She felt sad for me too. She came over once, after Clare died. Me, Adam, and Alli found a little relief in my basement a week after the accident. We drunk our way to relief until we were numb.

Alli took a breath, "H-hi." I had never seen her nervous before. I did my best to give her a smile. She nodded.

"Clare. It's hard; when someone you love you lose. Clare, she was my best friend. She was always there for me, always. No matter what crappy thing I said to her or what boy I tried to steal from her, she was always there. She reminds me a lot of Adam actually." Alli smiled at Adam, they had clicked since Clare died and since I was alone a lot, they healed together, they tried to.

Alli continued, "Everyone here knows Adam, sweet, kind, more generous than humanly possible. When Clare first met him I thought it was weird, he was weird. Adam and I have spent a lot of time together since we lost Clare. The more I get to know Adam the more I see Clare. Adam does things like giving up girls and happiness for others, Clare was generous like that as well. Clare always stayed up to listen to me cry about Johnny or to complain about Drew, but honestly, I was a horrible friend to her. I made my stupid issues sound like hell when Clare, she had more going on than anyone could understand. Clare was happy though. She saw a light in helping others and it showed. She could always make the end of the world seem like the gold at the end of the rainbow, it's an amazing gift. Clare is always going to be missed. I don't know if I could get back to the way I was without her. Thank you."

Alli climbed down the stage and wrapped her arms around Adam. He held her tightly and whispered things in her ear as they both cried. I knew the speeches were almost done, KC, Jake, CeCe and Bullfrog would go, but the finale was me. And it would be huge…

KC stepped up to the podium and nodded. His eyes were red, tear stained, but he held himself well.

KC cleared his throat, "Most of you guys know me, I used to date Clare. When I met Clare I knew she was something special. Clare was…she was beautiful, witty, and she was strong. I hurt her, I hurt her badly and I have to live with that. I won't tell the story, out of respect, but I wanted to say, Clare, if you're here, in spirit, I'm so sorry. Thank you."

KC stepped down and Jenna wrapped her arms around him and they sat down together.

I took a breath and felt the lump in the front pocket of my uniform jeans. Clare would have hated this. These stupid pants, this stupid ceremony, she would have hated it. Everything seemed too…forced.

I stood and CeCe reached for me, I gave her and my father kisses on the cheek. This was it.

Once I made it to the podium I saw how everyone looked at me. All of their faces glowed with sympathy. But why?

I pulled a crumpled letter out of my pocket and situated myself before I spoke, "I wrote a letter, for Clare. The memories and the stories are just too painful for me right now. The best ones are some I'd like to keep between Clare and myself. But I want to read this letter today. Clare's here, in spirit, and I want her to hear it."

With shaky fingers I pulled the letter open. I took a deep breath and let my lips move:

"Dear Clare, I love you. I'm sorry that you're gone and I'm sorry to say I'm here alone, without you. You have me Clare. You have everything, without you? I don't know. I'll never forget you my Clare. Your cinnamon hair, your vanilla scent, your killer blue eyes, the way you'd wrinkle your nose when I'd make a sexy joke, the way you'd kiss me like I was the only man alive, the way you'd cling to me like a lifeline, I'll never forget that. You changed me Clare, you gave me life. I was ruined, shredded to pieces when I met you and you fixed me. You'll always be a part of me Clare," I unbuttoned my shirt to show giant cursive tattoo that read _Clare_ above where my heart should be, "I can't be without you. I need you. You kept me whole. Everything I was, I lost the moment you're heart stopped beating, the moment you were gone. Gone, away from me. I can't let you go, I won't. A while ago I promised you if you loved me forever I would follow you anywhere. No matter if you needed time, space, or me, I would always be there, I would always love you. It's hard to keep this promise now, there is only one way. For you, like I promised, I would do anything," My hand pressed the tattoo above my heart and I let a tear trickle down my face as my shaking hands pulled the black gun from my pocket. Everyone gasped as I pressed the cold metal to my head. It was too late. As people rose to stop me, they did not hear me whisper, "For you, my Clare." And I pulled the trigger.

A/N: That's all for this one guys, I'm sorry. I think I'll be away for a while maybe. Some stuff has been happening and I need to gather my thoughts, I need time. My aim is missblueyedclare and that's always there for you guys if you need me. Reviews are much appreciated.


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